The story you tell about someone else is as powerful as the one you tell about yourself.
I remember telling my mother, when I was about ten, that she was making things worse by believing a story about herself that wasn’t true.
She did not turn to me and say how wise I was and thank me. No—she did what most of us do when our stories are challenged. She got mad.
I’ll admit I’m still learning how to say the right thing at the right time. But what I said to her that day remains true.
Over the years, I’ve taught hundreds of classes, written multiple books, and coached people on how to shift a story they believe but that isn’t serving them, into one that serves both them and the people they love. It would be lovely to leave the human story altogether. But in the meantime, while we’re here in this earthly state of mind, we at least need to know the rules of the game.
And one unchangeable rule is this: what you perceive to be reality magnifies. Or, said differently and meaning the same thing: the story you tell is the story you live.
The Rule We Keep Forgetting
But here’s what I think most of us miss—some of the time, if not all of the time. The story you tell yourself about someone else, and the story you tell them about who they are, is every bit as powerful as the one you tell about yourself.
We all know the studies: a room full of children told they are smart begin to perform as if they are, and the reverse holds just as true. It doesn’t matter what the tests actually said. The children live up—or down—to the story being told about them.
And we do this to each other constantly. Spouses. Friends. Children. Politicians. Shopkeepers. The driver in the next lane. We are always handing one another a story about who they are, and they are always, quietly, believing it.
If we want the world to be different, we have to see, tell, believe, and think differently—about everything and everyone. Yes, starting with ourselves. But just as importantly, about everyone else.
We Already Know This
I’ve written tens of thousands of words about this. And still it comes down to one simple truth: what we perceive to be real becomes real. Perception blindness, perception bias—these are well documented now. We already know this. Which means we can already do better.
So when we wonder how anyone could believe that wars work, that one human being is worth more than another, that people with no moral center belong in power—we have to remember that they are living inside a story. And so are we.
Choosing the Best Story There Is
Back to the ten-year-old. I decided, somehow, that if perception was reality—don’t ask me how I knew that so young—then I should choose the best perception there was to believe. I didn’t have much idea what that was. But over the years, I’ve done my best to choose the one that comes closest to an infinite, loving, intelligent Presence—the Infinite One.
And isn’t that what most of us are really doing? Why else would we follow our faiths, read our scriptures, sit with our spiritual lessons? We all want to live in a reality where there is only good.
So let’s be careful about what we allow to land in our thinking. Yes—tell the truth about a situation. But recognize that the story about it, the story that caused it, can be shifted. It can be rewritten. It must be.
And it always starts within our own thinking. We have to think differently first.
Write a Different Story
Here is a practice worth keeping: never say to another person, “This is who you are,” unless it’s a good and true story about them. Because they will believe you. And it won’t make the world better—for them, for you, or for me—unless we’re aligning ourselves, and them, with an infinite Good.
You don’t have to fully understand this. You don’t even have to believe it yet. It starts with the story.
We are all programming our lives. And we help program the lives around us. So for goodness’ sake, choose to install the programs that bless and assist. Upgrade your software. Write a different story.
Whatever metaphor works best for you—pick one.
Then start every description of yourself by naming yourself first as an expression of the divine. Align your human story with that. And watch what happens.
Or don’t. It’s your choice. It always was.
Romans 12:2 — . . . let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. (New Living Translation)
From The Daily Nudge #286: We live our lives as we expect the world to be, without noticing that the world is only how we expect it to be. What we perceive to be reality—is our reality.
Want to go deeper on this idea? This episode is an excellent companion:
“Your Mind Is a Propagandist” — The Next Big Idea. Psychologist Owen Fitzpatrick on how the mind decides what feels true and then hunts for evidence to confirm it—reinforcing our beliefs, our limitations, and our susceptibility to the stories we’re told.
